Sharing my process of self realization as one and equal to all life.

I've been busy with all kinds of interesting new experiences in my life and process, I recently moved to a new country and have been experiencing many medical problems. This blog site was started initially as a more 'mainstream' and acceptable way of sharing what I am doing with regards to process, and putting it all in a way that was meant for others to be able to understand and relate better - in part, this was done not just as a way of making this inofrmation more accessible, but i realize now it was done also as a way of appeasing others and sharing myself in a way that would ensure more to not offend others - partially out of fear of reactions/judgments of others - standing up for life, as I have found, is not something that goes over well with most!

 I will continue to update this site periodically, but much of what I am doing is able to be shared on my youtube channel,  http://www.youtube.com/user/adriandrum, and if one really wants to get involved or have a close look at what I am doing, you're able to check me out on the desteni forums http://www.desteni.co.za/forum/, where much more is discussed in an environment where all are able to be much more open and honest, and anyone can join and participate in this process and find assistance and support here.

 Hope to see you there.

There's alot to that word I'm learning, HERE, because the more in touch I become with every moment I realize just how much Is taking place in every moment, the more there is to see in every moment as everything just starts to slow down as I soak up everything there is to soak up in every micro moment of my presence HERE.This connectedness as one and equal to all that exist is beyond any experience that we as separate, self interested individuals of mind are able to have, and to understand this through the deconstruction of ego/mind is quite a ride!

I began this process a while ago, although I have not been as effective as I know I'm able to be in it, so this site is a part of that, of more openly, actively and self honestly engaging myself in this process. A big part of what has brought me to this point was this website I discovered in September 2007, www.desteni.co.za. This is where I was first introduced to the idea of process, by applying the principle of Oneness and Equality - understanding myself as equal and one to all in this world. Some keys tools were also introduced to me to aid me in this process, like self-honesty, self-awareness and self-forgiveness.

Everything I put up on this page will be related to my process, so feel free to have a look around. I will be putting up a regular blog, v-logs, and posting any videos, music, pictures links etc that I feel are relevant, that are points of assistance and support in this process - stopping the mind, understanding self as equal and one to all.

I'm sure the latter is a question each and every human being has faced at one point or another - what is going on really? Who are we, and what are we doing here? Asking the real, hard questions is what brought Neo to Morpheus, to find out what the matrix was. It took courage and selflessness for Neo to finally take the red pill. Here are some questions for ones self that are worth investigating;

What if all you have ever believed is a lie? What if the real reason why we are trapped in this illusion is a simple explanation?

If you knew nothing of this world existed, and there were nothing of this world with which to define yourself by, who then would you be?

I decided to post my story on facebook not too long ago to show others who I've been and where I'm coming from, with some words on how I've been getting myself out of this mess. Here it is.

My story, my process, my self forgiveness.

This world needs to change, immediately. To really understand this, I had to live what this world is, experience all that this world has become, as my self. It is unfortunate that it had to come to that, yet when one is so deep in self deception, believing the world around them to be real and an OK place, this is often what it takes, to wake up. I had to fall hard before I stood up, and this seems to be how real change is brought about, commonly. Through the pain and hardship, through the destruction of all that once was, was I able to see clearly, see who I really was. This brought me to question everything - the world, God, my personal reality – existence in its entirety. I write here as I always do, I write for me – yet I write for me as one and equal to all others in this world, so I will eventually be sharing this for all to see. To see where I have been, what I have done, and what has brought me to where I am now (for those of you who I haven’t had contact with in a while, if you are interested this will be an insightful look into what’s been going on with me). Some may find this personal, exposing – and it is – yet just as this world must be exposed for what it is, so too must I, I as this world, as what I have become. The masks need to come off. In this, I intend to lead by example, to let go of all fears and say this is who I am, what I’ve become – let’s have a look at whether or not we will accept what we are to find. Not in a sense of judging it – but rather taking a self honest look to see the full extent, the full implications of what this “I am” will be, and will create in and as this world. In doing this, I have found much that I simply cannot accept, and an inevitable future which I simply cannot allow.

My crash, and the Burn.

I always knew things were fucked up. As a child I find one is so much more aware of everything, yet unable to communicate it effectively in order to direct otherwise. From this, I grew up despising much, being angry, and acting a bit of a rebel. I chuckle slightly to myself when I see this about myself, what I once was, for despite all the aversion, all the anger, in the end I became what I hated. I inevitably came to identify with that which I despised, that which enslaved me, and became it. The slave became the slave master. Yet I find we all go through this fall from grace, in which we lose ourselves. We start off so innocently, such unconditional expressions of joy and love and curiosity, yet as we come of age these qualities are replaced by knowledge and information – what is referred to by some as being programmed. We are programmed by knowledge and information, ideas of the mind. Real love is substituted by an idea of what love is, real joy and happiness are replaced by ideas of what makes us happy and joyful, all natural, unconditional expressions of self are replaced and substituted by ideas and concepts of self expression, as what we should be, what we are supposed to be as per another idea/definition. Only when I succumbed to this, to the ways of our world, and began to trust and live them utterly, did I begin to fall. Only when I trusted this strongly, when I had great faith, did I have the greatest of falls, for in doing this, I lost complete self trust, and rather trusted in all but me, ideas of who I was or what I should be. Completely lost, choosing to see no other way, no alternatives, I gave into someone else’s’ idea of what I should have been, of what it apparently was to be whole, or successful. This took on many variations – trying to be a great musician, a great athlete, a great boyfriend, a great son – an endless search for fulfillment as per others approval, as per others definition of who I was, constantly seeking that gratification from an external source, completely lost. This began to limit me – extensively. It killed my natural, creative self expression, as more and more I would cling onto “what I was good at”, limiting myself to the things which brought me the greatest and most reliable gratification. This intensified - when athleticism began to not be enough, more focus came to my relationships, when that was not enough, more focus came to my musicianship, when that was not enough, more focus came to doing drugs – which became the ultimate. In principle, my experience with drugs was the exact same as all the others, in that it brought me the same gratification from an external source, without struggle or effort, and was completely reliable. It was the one form of gratification I could always count on. So I held on tight, until I was destroyed and everything around me was destroyed. I lost everything, my girlfriend, all relationships that ‘mattered’ to me, money, my desire to be physical and active, and my enjoyment for music, to name a few key points. Sleeping at night became near impossible without some form of heavy sedation, some form of fulfillment to fill this void. With everything destroyed, I went on, living this self destructive pattern for years. I often wonder to myself if I had been doing it intentionally to myself all along, somehow, perhaps unconsciously. At the while I still did not yet understand, as I was following what I knew to be right, and I fell, over and over again. I screamed, I cried, I questioned god. This is what eventually brought me to question everything, to see my life, and this world as what it was, as I no longer had my petty life to hide behind. Seeing just how bad things were, I brought myself to quit doing drugs too, giving myself the clarity to really see things as they were, with nothing left. NO THING. No thing is what brought me true clarity, having nothing but me. So I kept on realizing, and I found many interesting things.

It had all been a lie! This world, everything I knew, trusted and believed in was false – so I was right back to square one, like becoming the child I was again. My closest of friends were liars and cheats who had no true care, those who claimed and insisted they loved me had no idea of what love was, but rather an idea of love, which is completely false, and entirely conditional. Complete deception. And again this is not to play the blame game, for I eventually realized that I was simply experiencing that which I was one and equal to, as everything I had accepted and allowed my self to become – I had become the liar, the cheat, the self-dishonest, and I surrounded myself with the like – one and equal. That which I trusted in as my salvation was anything but, as it was all external, I trusted in anything but me. So only as the mask came off was I clearly able to see into me, to truly understand – to stand up within myself. I found very little in this world was able to be trusted – even within myself, as I had been wearing the mask for so long, I found nothing was able to be trusted but me, as the real me. That’s where it began to get really interesting – this real me - who was it? It was fascinating, I found my own mind was not even able to be trusted as my own mind consisted of these programs. My own ideas of good or bad were not to be trusted as they were all learned and acquired knowledge and information, as someone else’s’ idea/definition of what good and bad were. My thoughts, feelings and emotions as I had always known them, were not even able to be trusted. So who was the real me? I’ve come to find it is sound, silent, absolute darkness. No movement, nothing stirring, nothing but me as the breath of life which allows me to exist in this world. We are taught to fear words like emptiness, or darkness, and for good reason to those who seek to have power and control in this world! What better way to deceive others into allowing themselves to be controlled, than to have them deceive themselves as false ideas of who they are! Yet I found that when you take everything away, as NOTHING in this world is able to truly define you (de-fine?), no thing, nothing remains, but you!! And what is that you? Now that any limiting concept of who you are is taken away – the answer would then be anything you want to be! Who we are really- independent of anything else to define our existence - is great, is amazing, is boundless, it is absolute common sense. Yet, again I have found we are taught to fear this true self, our only real salvation, and constantly being replaced by endless forms of false salvation to fill the void. We are given ideas and labels in every which way and form in order to define ourselves and hold onto, to carry us in our world. They are weak foundations.

My stand up

Through the collapse and the loss of trust in all that I knew, new paths emerged. I became open to things I may not of normally considered, things that I could take unto myself as common sense. Funny again, how even if I were to take a ‘new path’ it was merely to lead me back to myself, as I developed self trust, to not follow blindly, but rather be open and outsource common sense where I found it. It was only my mind – malleable and able to be programmed – which trusted wholly in things and would follow blindly as a way of being or path was my savior, was ‘greater than’ me and something to attain or achieve, inherently accepting myself as LESS THAN. When in truth, who I really am was already HERE, as it always had been - only deprogramming was necessary. In my process, I found support, as it was exactly what I had been looking for, even without looking, but rather simply taking the stand of “this is not who I really am” which, again, opened my eyes to the support that surrounded me, and it manifested.

Some key points which I found that have assisted me greatly in my process of self purification are: Self honesty, Self forgiveness, and Self awareness. Self honesty assists me in understanding what of me is really me, and what is merely my mind, as thoughts, feelings or emotions, derived from constructs which I have constructed for myself in the past. It is the difference between reaction, and directing self; reacting being the exact opposite of directing. In reaction, I live in within my mind, constantly reacting to the thoughts, feelings or emotions of my constructs, in essence, allowing them to control and own me. In directing my self no mind is required, and thus I live and apply common sense as me in every moment. Self awareness assists me in keeping track of every moment to be aware of all that I am existing as and participating within, through presence as me as the breath of life. Be clear – the awareness I speak of is NOT consciousness. Consciousness is of the mind and awareness is to transcend consciousness. So, I apply self awareness by focusing on my breath in every moment assist me to be clear of what is going on, to then apply self honesty, the two go hand in hand. Upon the clarity that self honesty and self awareness bring me, self forgiveness is often what is needed to be applied next. So, to explain; once a construct is revealed to me through self awareness (as being aware of a thought, feeling or emotion), self honesty is then applied to then under stand whether or not what is occurring is really me. Once an acquired construct is identified through self honesty, self forgiveness then acts as the deprogramming tool to no more accept or allow myself to exist within and as that construct. So, let’s say for example through awareness I have realized that I have a habit of drinking alcohol. Whether it is to just ‘get away’ sometimes or even being a full out alcoholic does not necessarily matter. Through applying self honesty, I will have come to realize that it is not helping me, it is not what I truly want, it is simply not who I really am. This is often a very simple realization as we know deep down that the burdens we carry are not aiding us – yet many may find it difficult to come to this point as we have become so expert at being self dishonest and diverting our attention from what truly matters. So upon applying self honesty, and realizing this is not cool, this must change, self forgiveness is then applied. This can be done either by writing it out or saying it out loud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependant on alcohol for my happiness.

This is the first step, as nothing will change instantly, the rest of the forgiveness must be applied as a living statement of you. Yet in taking this first step, you have released yourself from the automated habit, and the next time one finds themselves in a situation where suddenly their mind has told them “I need a drink, I want a drink now” one is able to see these thoughts differently as before, as they have already been addressed! As if to say: “ah! I see you thought, I’ve seen you before and have dealt with you before, I recognize you, and now the jig is up!” This takes away the automated, robotic nature of our programming and thus introduces a new path, through this presence as self awareness. The being then is able to have a closer look at what is really going on here, to see that this is not necessarily them speaking, but rather the mind as a thought construct. In doing the introspective “prep work” one carries with them into their future a better understanding of what is really going on, and how to deal with it, and it will only get better, more effective, upon further application of these principles. One may begin finding more there within the construct than initially realized! The alcohol problem for example may be then related to a dependency issue, which may then be related to an issue of ‘not feeling loved’, which may have been a result of a childhood or early experience one had in the past in which they accepted themselves as unloved and began to create this construct, indicating no unconditional self love. So, self forgiveness is able to be applied on all levels – “as deep as the rabbit hole goes”, as they say. I will provide examples of forgiveness for these deeper levels of the construct:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependant on anything outside of myself for happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel loved or to need to feel loved by others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel loved when my father rejected me for not living up to his expectations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love myself, unconditionally.

Etc.

So, as some reading this may be starting to realize, this may take time, it is a process, as it has been for me. I’ve found that is a point to remember, as there is much deprogramming to be done, layers upon layers, like peeling away an onion. I am not done, and this may take time. Yet it is worth every bit, as giving you back to yourself is the best gift anyone is able to give themselves to live with clarity, and as who they really are, which, really, is beyond words like happiness or joy. Who we really are is beyond words or conception of the mind. This is the present of presence. It may take discipline, it may at times not be easy. The truth may hurt, but lies kill. And this brings me back to my intro to this document. This world, and we as this world - as we are all that comprise and make up what this world is - must change. For what we have existed as, as our collective human consciousness, is what has manifested such abhorrent experiences and conditions in this world such as hatred, violence, war, abuse, murder, rape, molestation, torture, etc. For too long we have existed this way – and till here no further. We have always had ideas of good, love, joy, positive ideologies, philosophies of goodness, charity, righteous movements, yet to no avail. It is impossible to “convert” everybody on this planet through more ideologies, through more programming, through more ideas of “this is what we should be”. Yet what is the one thing we have never done? Have each and every one of us change ourselves as who we are, completely, inherently accepting ourselves as one and equal to all in this world, as this world, to lead by example and let the ripple effect thereof be understood by all, beyond telling others how to be, beyond convincing people of what they need. Changing yourself is changing this world, as you are the world. We are the world. Observe all the great leaders of the ages, such as Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, they needed not to convince others by anything but their living example. They needed no rhetoric, no ideologies, no backing my friends, armies or nations. They simply lived as who they really were, by example. This brought them to points of transcendence – transcending fear, and even death itself – for even as they could be killed, they understood they would never truly die, and would yet return. One and equal to all, and the universe, does not, cannot die.

Take away what you will, and be free!

I’m grateful to be able to share this here with anyone who is interested, and I’m always here to chat with regards to any issue regarding self and understanding. Some may find insights here, and I welcome them to take away points of common sense where you find them, for them selves, to assist and support you in your own process. There are many who may see nothing, who may go on believing that this world is acceptable as it is, that their lives are perfect. I have been there, and that is ego (the mind). I have extensively feared letting go of all I had known, and stood by it as if to say “this is who I am, this is all that I am, and that is final!” Our mind/ego fears losing itself, it is only the mind/ego that fears death, for only the mind, only the characters as what we have become, is able to truly die. Yet the unknown is to be embraced, as I have said before; what is real, as who we really are, is unknown, as it is beyond knowledge, beyond words. The reality of this is that in giving up the persona, in taking off the mask, you are truly giving up very little (if not nothing), for everything! You are giving up the shell, of a limited idea/concept of who you are for the endless outflow of expression of this universe that it you! All that you are, and all that you are able to be, awaits you…

So – I would recommend letting go of the masks we have pushed ourselves into being, out of fear of who we really are – it’s quite a release! Embrace your dark side, which we all have, to one degree or another. Not in terms of  accepting or allowing it, but rather breaking away from the endless distractions in this world that keep us from facing the shit which we all carry inside. I would suggest this, facing self, self honestly and unconditionally, without fear or judgment, as a much better alternative than doing it ‘the hard way’ as I did. Falling flat on your face in order to finally wake up and make change is not a recommended experience! Though, as I’ve said, some are so far into their shit, that this seems to be a necessity for many, and that is unfortunate. Yet, anything is possible, and the choice is yours!

Enjoy!