Sharing my process of self realization as one and equal to all life.

So I am seeing some interesting things within my experience of living here in Thailand - although I always tend to say that no matter where I go, people are in essence very much the same. One of my fellow teachers I have met at the school here was talking with me, and we were discussing how people are held in check and supressed as who they are, extensively, by belief systems. I asked him if he had ever heard of the book 1984 by Orwell and he had never heard of it, so I lent him a copy. Within it there are many things described and depicted that are quite parallel in principle to what we are experiencing today as our world experience. After a few days into it, he made some comments on the eeriness of the idea of the "Big Brother" watching over everything and everyone, and having total control.

And I realised - many tend to see 1984 as a bleak future that is yet to come, because often we develop our expectations/idea of this kind of scenario with specifically what is depicted in 1984 - in other words getting caught up in the detail of the exact format rather than seeing what is shown in principle, so that it is able to be seen no matter what permutation it takes on.

And in this I realised that 1984 is already here - and perhaps has always been here, in principle, though as time carries on, this principle and all forms it takes on seems to intensify as it becomes more palpable, more manifested.

Because big brother already exists, it has in essence always existed - and not even as some exterior, uncontrollable force that does the work of controlling us for us - but rather big brother exists here now AS US. WE ARE BIG BROTHER, each and every one of us. Big brother exists within each one as each ones MIND - the mind developed and shaped through beliefs systems/social norms/expectations/perceptions of reality and self. So everytime one attempt to express themself - big brother always steps in - and quite effectively so as it is unseen - as the mind, which will then hinder, conditionalize, compromise and marginalize ones own self expression. So much of what we do must fit between the lines of what we know to be acceptable to other, to our society and world around us - and this is the knowledge of the mind that know how things "work" and thus fear allowing oneself to express unconditionally.

Have a look - does one ever truly express themself unconditionally, without any fear of judgement, of what others might think or what is typically accepted of them? The mind - as what you've designed and considered to be your reality - will tell you, dont say this, dont do that - you might get hurt, get judged, get put in jail, be alienated or deemed evil or a heretic. We have drawn so extensivley our lines of self limitation through what we have defined as good and bad in this world - be good, as what is pre-defined by self and society as good and acceptable - or else you are bad. And of course these are nothing but poor ideas of our reality and what is functionally practical for each one to live and express themself - is the good really good if it is limited to someone elses idea of good? Was it understood by self as common sense or maybe what has always been accepted by self as it is all self has ever known as what has been tuahgt by society? If you did not for yourself decide it was good, then whos idea of good is it and why are you accepting it? Are these beliefs and conditions/expectations serving all life equally to practically function sustainably in this world? Have a look - all that has ever existed that is clearly not in the best interest of life, and our experience here now has always been here and have not been changed or affected in the slightest by these norms and ideas of good - rape war murder starvation etc still prevail, no matter how righteous our beLIEfs. All the good in the world has not changed a thing - yet this is but idea of good, which is only anchored and defined by an idea of bad - is good that is dependent on the bad really good, or just a poor interpretation/idea of it?

So what is the point of living this way? What is the point of conditionalizing and marginalizing ourselves, only out of the fear of being judged, hurt or at the worst killed ? If we are not really LIVING and expressing who we really are free and unconditionally, then why fear death? Are we not dead already? Every day killing ourselves, by constantly surpressing and marginalizing our self expresion and yet death is still feared - the absurdity! We all die - this is certain - so would it not make sense to in death be able to say one never lived life limited and conditioned to the fear of death? To say that we actually lived and expressed ourselves as who we are freely and unconditionally?

Big brother is everywhere - we wear clothes because we are afraid of what others might think of us if we do not , or at worst are put in jail for it - here in Thailand women are so self conscious about being judged that in 30+ degree weather they will wear shirts at the beach. Try talking about your sex life openly and without fear of judgment in a daycare - you will no doubt be pure evil in the eyes of many for openly and innocently speaking truth without fear - and the silliest part - this judgment was never real! The judgment only actually exists in the mind of man - there is nothing it can do to you, it cannot hurt you, yet we fear it still. Even in death itself - the death of one in a world that does not permit life to be expressed really as unconditionaly and free - is this really death in a world where living life means to be put to death? Are we not killing life in some form always? Are schools not destroying childrens freedom to express themselves?

Yet we fear fear fear - even as I write this, I share much of what I'm discussing inside myself, my own big brother as my mind - having thoughts of fear of what others might say or judge or argue. We fear what other can do to us (what others can apparently do to us). Yet - is this fear, too, really real? Can another really do anything to us, or, as I speak of how we monitor ourselves with our own big brother as the mind - has it just been us doing it to ourselves all along? Has this fear that we've chosen to allow within ourselves and thus exist as actually simply been the experience of ourselves manifested? Can death itself, brought in the form of another killing you, really even then control you, or is it merely a release from, as I've said, a world where we are not really living in the first place? If I truly live life unconditionally while I am here on this earth - then what does death even mean to me, even if it comes soon? I am here, and  I am living! And to live truly is to live without fear of death. Would I rather die on my feet, or keep living on my knees?

Life as what is REAL will always remain - because it is who we are, WE ARE LIFE - and who you are is not able to be chosen or escaped. It is only the beliefs, the images, the ideas we carry that cease to exist when the cleanse of death descend upon us.

We as who we really are are not living - quite the contrary - we are dead, like zombies or programmed systems,  enslaved to the mind as existing within and as the mind  only living out and following that which we were programmed to be and become which is not really who we are - and again one only need to wake up and have a look around to see this - pain and sufering are EVERYWHERE in this world, sometimes hidden from eyes, sometimes so obvious it make one cry at the sight - this world we have created for ourselves is an atrocity and it is not LIFE, we do not exist in the interest of LIFE as ALL LIFE CONSIDERED EQUALLY, THIS IS NOT WHO WE ARE. And if one step in to say yes, this is who we are - realize that it is because it has been said so - it was chosen by us - so it is in the end, it is up to us. No god did it to us - god exist in the mind of man - no government did it to us - government only exist in the mind of man. Will we stand up and say until here no further will we allow this, this is unnacceptable, this is not who we are - or will we continue with no self respect, with no understanding, and keep finding ways to believe things are fine this way?

So a suggestion to my self, and any who share this as self as COMMON sense - stop the mind - as your own big brother - as the thoughts, feelings and emotions that dictate your life experience and direct and influence you - that play you like a puppet on strings as a predesigned systematic existence - choosing what to do and not to do, all according to the polarities of the mind, all out of FEAR. To stop fear is to stop the mind - only then do you exist as you are and it is beyond knowing - it is unconditional expression me HERE as self trust. Trust yourself - you are not the mind.

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I just read a very interesting article about being HERE present in the moment as breath, and about accepting oneself as inferior, and in this trying to create and exist as something superior. It struck a chord with me because I realize more and more that I have overcomplicated my own process this way, overcomplicating things and making what I am doing here something to seem more profound or ‘greater than’. I have done this of my own dishonesties – not just accepting myself as inferior, but in existing as inferior I have feared letting go of my mind, of that which I have come to identify with and believe myself to be comfortable with as who I am – yet a constant discomfort always remains. I am always finding myself feeling as thought I am not doing enough, and am falling short – always meaning to do more yet never doing more and falling short of my own self created expectations. So if I am not at ease, if what I am not satisfied with what I am currently existing as, then why would I fear letting go? As I mentioned, within the inferiority, within the existing as ‘less than’, I have created and projected an illusion of myself as superior to compensate, and I have believed this illusion, this compensation to be me, to be who I am. I have actually begun to believe that this compensation is real and that it is doing a good job in making up for the inferiority that exist within me. Yet it always reverts back to the feeling of inferiority, always – have I become so deluded that I do not even see what is here, as I continue to go through these loops of up and down? I have trusted the illusion, and in this I have come to trust the mind and what I believe to be real as the mind. This is where my process has been over complicated, this is where I have trusted my mind and interpreted much through the mind, to attempt to understand self and process through the mind. It has become much about ‘how much’ knowledge I have acquired regarding process, as if the mind is able to validate process by quantifying it – yet no quantity is ever enough to satisfy the mind, it is like an endless pit. This acquiring, and accumulation of knowledge with which to prove to myself and others than I have an understanding and am walking process effectively has been just that – a display, an attempt to look as thought I am applying myself effectively, felt needed to be put on display to prove it to myself and others, because I am in fact not. I have judged myself much in this, for not applying myself – yet this is pointless – I find one is only able to truly apply themselves through understanding – yet I am able to apply myself to understand, to find common sense, to find myself, so that I am able to stand. Standing on my knowledge however, standing on an image, an understanding that is not of me but rather based on something outside myself which I have believed to be greater than myself, is a foundation that is inevitable to crumble, and in the end nothing has changed, I am right back where I started, with my own shit that has always been here that had put me in this loop in the first place. In this was demonstrated to me an obvious point of common sense – a point which was understood by me through the mind as knowledge and information, but never really applied – which was that of simplicity - to apply self simply as the breath of life here in every moment, humble, and without fear. Because in realizing that I have existed within and as my mind and that it has brought me nowhere, I lose trust in that which I have trusted in, that which I have believed to be me, that which I have believed to be real. Even as I write this document I at moment have to stop before I put something down, and I observe that whenever I simply stop and clear myself with breath, the ‘answers’ to what I am going to write come easy, and what is written is exactly what was necessary to be written, as it is an honest expression of me. In not trusting my mind this is what is to be found: what is me really? It is quite a switch from that which I so believed to be real – seeing how fucked I have been, how I have deluded myself so extensively.

In the breath so much comes clear, and I have seen this before, I have demonstrated this to myself before, so obviously, yet I seem to keep reverting back to the old ways, back to trusting the mind again. I have a funny way of using my mind to screw myself from actually understanding – something I’ve been doing for a long time, using the mind to screw myself! It is as though in these realizations in the past, where I have seen it proven that here as breath is the only way to see, because it is such an eye opening experience, it is as though the mind will ‘jump in’ to have its interpretation of “wow isn’t that so profound”, as if to put this realization, to create this tool I have used as its own entity of something greater than and more profound than me. The creation becoming greater than the creator. Have I become so enslaved to that which I perceive, so inferior to that which I see as separate from me that I do not even see that I am enslaving myself? Have I become this enslavement entirely? What else do I dot his with? Everything which the mind perceive? Have I believed this enslavement so much that I have not seen that there is a way out of this, that I have not even trusted myself as who I am enough to find another way? What have I been doing to myself?

I like this title, because many will immediately ask questions as it very much goes against the grain, challenging the common, preconceived idea that “the more you know the better off you are” or “knowledge is power”. To be specific, this is not to say that knowledge is inherently useless, so for starters, I will point out one thing: have a look at all the knowledge we have acquired in this world, look at the time we are living in and how much there is – staggering amounts! Yet an interesting thing remains, the fact that pain and suffering still exist in this world, death and destruction and starvation etc all still exist as they always have. Through years of apparent evolution, the same problems that plague the overall experience of mankind still exist, they are still HERE. Does this mean only our knowledge has evolved? Only our technology has evolved? Who has evolved really? Ourselves, or the machines we build from knowledge? One might consider that the KNOWLEDGE of pain and suffering being shit experience seems to have fallen by the way side, which brings me to my main point.

Knowledge is useless without understanding. Knowledge is useless when it simply remains as knowledge, understood only by the mind and not as self, as LIVING the words you understand – that is true understanding, when the understanding is not somewhere inside your head but rather turns into a manifested living expression of you, knowledge is then lived and expressed. This was a big thing for me to understand, as I had become so used to understanding through and as the mind, which really was quite useless, because I never applied what I learned. One of the most helpful things ever said to me during my process was “you will not understand with the mind”, those words had an impact on me. As I have said before, the mind is like an attempt at understanding, an attempt at living, yet none can truly live in the mind. Its kind of like saying “stop thinking about living and live”, as life can only be lived, it can not be thought of in order to live. Because it is like a false attempt at living, we are able to be so self dishonest when living through and as the mind, as if it is telling you, convincing you, “oh yes, you are living, you are doing this, you are being this”. So deceiving, our own little monkey on our shoulders telling us what is going on rather than seeing for ourselves independently. I mean, if one were truly living something, why would they need to reaffirm it to themselves in their head?

We do this so much, we have the knowledge in our heads of what we’d like to think we are or be, or do, or what is right or wrong, yet we never live and apply it. We say one thing and do the other. We mean to do or be one thing yet things for some reason will turn out another way. We become experts at paying lip service to life, saying we understand, saying we are living or doing right by ourselves, to the point where in many cases we get used to lying to ourselves or each other to convince ourselves of this, to present ourselves as something we are not. The pictures in our heads are not our true image and likeness – just a photocopy of it.

Now everything I’m saying here goes very much against the grain of what is commonly accepted or believed, yet (as I’m sure many are figuring out) I have no problem going against the grain of a world who’s current condition is destroying itself. The more you know the better off you are? Quantity is not Quality. Knowledge is power? Only because it has been kept in the hands of the few and the understanding of how to apply it has been kept in the hands of even fewer, and thus it is wielded as a weapon against others. School and society, as with all things, plays a large role in this. We are taught in the schooling system to memorize large amounts of information and merely regurgitate them as a way of testing our understanding of it, often without any practical application of it! How silly is this?! This in no way tests ones true understanding of the content being studied, but rather absorbing it in memory, it is a shallow understanding. We carry a very shallow understanding of this world and our existence.

Expressing ourselves as who we are is self evident, it is always here, present in the physical, obvious for anyone who is looking to see, it needs not to be thought of or spoken of to be proven. When love exists, it is self evident, it need not be said, there should be no need to have it recognized, as though we are trying to convince ourselves we are living it. If one only had the knowledge of love through which to apply them selves, this then becomes a chosen, forced expression. It is unnatural. How can you choose to be something unless you are not yet already it? This is what I mean when I speak of deceiving ourselves with knowledge and information as understanding it through and as the mind, rather than LIVING the knowledge and information, standing one and equal to it, as a living expression of self as living words.

So this is a huge point in my process of stopping the mind, letting go of all the knowledge and information which exist in my head as thoughts feelings and emotions – to stop thinking about living and live! To stop having an idea about life in order to actually see the life that is right here in front of me! To not need or require any acquired information in order to direct me or to tell me how to apply myself in my life, but rather exist here in the breath as me unconditionally, as common sense.  It is only fear which has me allow myself to go back to my mind, as if I am referring to it for help! It is fear which has me engage my mind which is ever calculating, trying to determine possible outcomes and control my environment according to its idea of what is good and bad and what I want. Life is not able to be controlled this way! Not through fear, not through the mind. The only life that is worth living is not one of fear, but rather one of unconditional self direction, embracing all that I experience in this world as the experience of me.

Is what we see all there is? Is this reality real and all that is real?

I'm sure many have noticed that they are not their bodies, but rather that which is inside, which powers their bodies. There is too much that transpires which the eye and the 5 senses cannot perceive which would indicate there being more to us, more to our world than we may think.

We have never really understood ourselves as who we are really are, we have never really stood one and equal with all of existence. In the beginning, we created the mind as an attempt to understand ourselves, a separate entity with which to try and understand ourselves, rather than simply standing as who we really are. This separation has gone on now for eons of time, to the point now where if you have a look, there are over 6 billion manifested individual minds, believing themselves to be separate from one another, believing themselves as separate from the this world and the countless lifeforms in it - all with separate identities with varying opinions, likes and dislikes, creating friction between these individual parts that make up our world, constantly at war with each other in a mass war of the minds. As long as we have believed in this illusion of separation, self interest has prevailed, creating constant friction.

This creation of separation, of separating ourselves from ourselves has been the abdication of our self responsibility as who we really are in existence. In doing this we had created the mind which is like a computer - limited in creative ability, only able to operate through what it is programmed to do, as if putting existence into autopilot, and this is what we have done to ourselves, this is the image and likeness we have created ourselves in.

Human beings have become robots, as who we really are only serve to power the mind, which we "live" through and operate in this world as. Like the people in the Matrix movies who have become batteries to power the matrix, as we exist and participate within the mind we give it the energy it requires to power the greater unified field of consciousness, our collective consciousness of mind which creates the reality we experience.

In this we exist as robots, where one is birthed with the necessary hardware as the mind, which is able to be programmed by the software as the belief systems - meaning that we exist as the systems that we have become. As our existence has been set up this way, all our experiences and that which we become is pre-programmed and pre-ordained, it is all set up, and we simply walk the path laid out for ourselves.

In creating what we have, we have inherently accepted ourselves as inferior, as "less than", essentially enslaving ourselves to our existence, creating a world of enslavement for ourselves as our experience. This is evident everywhere, as we constantly project this inferiority/superiority complex onto ourselves and all other life, life is constantly being abused, destroyed, enslaved, and many accept themselves as helpless within this, with excuses like "but I am only human" - not understanding who we are and our own creative abilities in this world, and that what we accept and allow ourselves to be affects this world and how it is experienced. The mind is able to be likened to common perceptions of what ego is - complete self interest in a fragile state of being, disregarding all other life as equal and one. As we continue to participate within and as the mind, as our pre-programmed pre-ordained personalities, we continue to feed the mind, the mind consciousness system as a whole is given the energy it needs to continue existing and operating as it does - a world where self interest and separation allow for deliberate abuse of all life, where manifestations such as war, murder, rape, molestation, torture etc exist. In this regard, we are all equally responsible for all that exist and all that happen in this world, by powering the matrix and all its systems giving them the energy they need to continue the existence of a world where such atrocities take place.

Though our preprogrammed personalities seem to be different and unique as we perceive ourselves as separate, they are like different combinations of the same mixtures of the same stuff that our mind comprise of - the same general thoughts feelings and emotions like hate, anger, joy, love, sadness, etc. Some may experience themselves as more joyful than another, yet we all experience some level of it, of all these base thoughts feelings and emotions. So to put the "we are all equally responsible for our collective consciousness and thus what exist in this world" into a very simple example, it would be like having a million people having thoughts of violence - even if some of them they were very faint, miniscule - and then one out of those million actually commits an act of violence. The rest of the people may be appalled and judge, yet they are one and equal to it, as they have all shared the same principle of the idea, even if only in thought, which will then collectively manifest the experience of it in this world.

I wrote this as a way of testing my own understanding of this world and myself, and also for anyone who will be asking me "well why are you trying to stop your mind? why is it so important that we let go of the people we are? how would me doing this change the world in any way?" As I've said, we have never really stood up as who we really are, so the only way to verify this would be to test it out - practically. 'Who we are' and what we accept and allow ourselves to be is what makes up our world collectively, and what makes up this world collectively makes our world experience what it is. That is how important you are. That is how important we all are. Not in a "I'm special" individualized kind of way, not your desires or beliefs or opinions or views, just you - who you accept and allow yourself to be and exist as in this world. You are not your mind, you are not your beliefs, thoughts, feelings or emotions - they are are all derived from our preprogrammed, preordained selves as the mind. Who you really are is beyond all that. The personas, the individualized separate identities which we believe ourselves to be are simply not us - just systems, operating solely on the knowledge and information and the belief systems they are taught, and for what? To be free and limitless and express ourselves unconditionally? Far from it. If you have a look, this world is enslaved, we are all slaves, to ourselves.

If one still does not see a need for this world and all that comprise this world to change, I would recommend watching the movie Earthlings.

So I'm here now, but what took me so long? I've been running. Letting go of all of my bullshit, all the junk I've learned along the way, requires fearlessness, and there is so much that I have feared letting go of - of who I am, and that which I've come to identify myself with. It is as though the mind (or ego as some may call it) fears losing itself, and as long as I allow myself to participate within and as the mind, then I am giving it the power over me it needs in order to keep itself alive. Total self deception. It will do anything, it will lie to me, convince me that I need it, have me fear letting go of it, as though it is operating some kind of defense mechanism in order to not lose itself, and this is a great example of self dishonesty. And of course my mind isn't really doing it to me independently, but rather with the power I give it. It is my own self dishonesty in the first place which had me trusting my mind, and believeing myself to be my mind as the thoughts in my head or feelings and emotions inside of me, acting in accordance to them - allowing the mind to run the show.

It's time to say enough - to stop the programs the continually run in cycles as what we are programmed to be and do. It is we who make up this world, and for this world to change we must change - this is what I realize more and more about my world and my world experience. This is what our mind is - it is the tool inside of us that turns us all into tools - by being able to be programmed, and we are programmed from day one. We are programmed through our famies and family values, we are programmed by school, television - in society in general, we put the word CULT in culture, by constantly teaching each other what we should be, how we should look, talk, act, what we need or what we should do, etc. I say society in general, because its as though we've all become personal watch dogs of this cult, where if one decides he no longer wants to take part in the cult, in behavioral norms of what they should be or how they should be - all those around will react with judgement, fear, ridicule, disapproval and rejection.

Since it all begins at birth, it is all we've ever know, and this is part of what makes it so difficult. How does one change their programming without even the awareness that in fact they are programmed? How does one mold themselves in their true image and likeness without the awareness that we are like programmable robots? And as we grow older this becomes more difficult, as the programming builds and intensifies and creates layers upon layers, and since it is all we've ever know, we tend to hold onto it like it is our baby. Yet when you have a self honest look at what we've become, it beomes quite self evident that change is required. Becuase the mind fears losing itself and will tell you anything to have you hold on to it, it takes courage and self trust to be able to let go of all that you've ever known as your recorded memory, which the mind keeps, but once one gives themslves a chance by stepping outsdie of that little box inside our heads, it is realized just how much they've been missing out on - the real you. We tend to fear the unknown, so the mind will tell us, because that is the real us, the experience of the unknown, as who we really are is not able to be defined by KNOWledge, it is not able to be defined at all! Yet our mind wants to stay safe and keeps things known, repetitive, as the programs that we run over and over again in time loops, keeping things mundane, stagnant. Once we cut ourselves off from the limitless of experiencing this universe that is the experience of ourselves existing, life becomes very dull, it becomes a small world, attempting to be safe, yet fearful as can be.

So this is a focus of mine - stepping outside of the programs and the perceptions of "these are my likes and these are my dislikes" and rather just embracing it all unconditonally and free of mind, keeping things practical and HERE in the moment, not 'back there somewhere', perceiving what i eperience based on past memories, that have come to form the opiniuons and biases I have. Understanding is key, as i've found - once it is understood practically that a program is not serving me, then it only makes practical sense to then let go of it, and this is where self forgiveness comes into play.

I have to pee, so this is all for now.