Sharing my process of self realization as one and equal to all life.

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I just read a very interesting article about being HERE present in the moment as breath, and about accepting oneself as inferior, and in this trying to create and exist as something superior. It struck a chord with me because I realize more and more that I have overcomplicated my own process this way, overcomplicating things and making what I am doing here something to seem more profound or ‘greater than’. I have done this of my own dishonesties – not just accepting myself as inferior, but in existing as inferior I have feared letting go of my mind, of that which I have come to identify with and believe myself to be comfortable with as who I am – yet a constant discomfort always remains. I am always finding myself feeling as thought I am not doing enough, and am falling short – always meaning to do more yet never doing more and falling short of my own self created expectations. So if I am not at ease, if what I am not satisfied with what I am currently existing as, then why would I fear letting go? As I mentioned, within the inferiority, within the existing as ‘less than’, I have created and projected an illusion of myself as superior to compensate, and I have believed this illusion, this compensation to be me, to be who I am. I have actually begun to believe that this compensation is real and that it is doing a good job in making up for the inferiority that exist within me. Yet it always reverts back to the feeling of inferiority, always – have I become so deluded that I do not even see what is here, as I continue to go through these loops of up and down? I have trusted the illusion, and in this I have come to trust the mind and what I believe to be real as the mind. This is where my process has been over complicated, this is where I have trusted my mind and interpreted much through the mind, to attempt to understand self and process through the mind. It has become much about ‘how much’ knowledge I have acquired regarding process, as if the mind is able to validate process by quantifying it – yet no quantity is ever enough to satisfy the mind, it is like an endless pit. This acquiring, and accumulation of knowledge with which to prove to myself and others than I have an understanding and am walking process effectively has been just that – a display, an attempt to look as thought I am applying myself effectively, felt needed to be put on display to prove it to myself and others, because I am in fact not. I have judged myself much in this, for not applying myself – yet this is pointless – I find one is only able to truly apply themselves through understanding – yet I am able to apply myself to understand, to find common sense, to find myself, so that I am able to stand. Standing on my knowledge however, standing on an image, an understanding that is not of me but rather based on something outside myself which I have believed to be greater than myself, is a foundation that is inevitable to crumble, and in the end nothing has changed, I am right back where I started, with my own shit that has always been here that had put me in this loop in the first place. In this was demonstrated to me an obvious point of common sense – a point which was understood by me through the mind as knowledge and information, but never really applied – which was that of simplicity - to apply self simply as the breath of life here in every moment, humble, and without fear. Because in realizing that I have existed within and as my mind and that it has brought me nowhere, I lose trust in that which I have trusted in, that which I have believed to be me, that which I have believed to be real. Even as I write this document I at moment have to stop before I put something down, and I observe that whenever I simply stop and clear myself with breath, the ‘answers’ to what I am going to write come easy, and what is written is exactly what was necessary to be written, as it is an honest expression of me. In not trusting my mind this is what is to be found: what is me really? It is quite a switch from that which I so believed to be real – seeing how fucked I have been, how I have deluded myself so extensively.

In the breath so much comes clear, and I have seen this before, I have demonstrated this to myself before, so obviously, yet I seem to keep reverting back to the old ways, back to trusting the mind again. I have a funny way of using my mind to screw myself from actually understanding – something I’ve been doing for a long time, using the mind to screw myself! It is as though in these realizations in the past, where I have seen it proven that here as breath is the only way to see, because it is such an eye opening experience, it is as though the mind will ‘jump in’ to have its interpretation of “wow isn’t that so profound”, as if to put this realization, to create this tool I have used as its own entity of something greater than and more profound than me. The creation becoming greater than the creator. Have I become so enslaved to that which I perceive, so inferior to that which I see as separate from me that I do not even see that I am enslaving myself? Have I become this enslavement entirely? What else do I dot his with? Everything which the mind perceive? Have I believed this enslavement so much that I have not seen that there is a way out of this, that I have not even trusted myself as who I am enough to find another way? What have I been doing to myself?